Yesterday was Earth Day, and in honor of that, today I am recycling a piece I wrote last year in order to share it with you anew. If you print it out, I think you will also find that it is compostable, so it is doubly environmentally conscious. (Dang, I’m good!)
Isn’t It Romantic—Or…Could It Be the Death of You?
You might think that, as someone who writes romances, I would be prone to seeing opportunities for romance all around me in real life, too. And I am…to a certain extent. Problem is, I also like to write things like suspense and even the occasional sinister ghost story. Which means I have just as great a tendency to see the potential for harm in even the most innocent of situations.
What can I say? I’m an author. We’re a disturbed people.
So it makes it hard for me to plan elaborate romantic scenarios for my husband and me even though—in theory—I think date night is a wonderful idea. Maybe you do, too. If so, I feel it is my solemn duty to make you aware of some potential pitfalls you may not have anticipated. Consider these examples:
- Go for a horse and carriage ride through the park. Surely you’re joking. Didn’t you see that Seinfeld episode? If you have no idea what I’m talking about, Google it, please. For your own protection.
- Pass secret love notes in the library. Very romantic—until your love notes inadvertently get intercepted either by a militant librarian who shames you in front of the whole library…or by a secret government operative who mistakes your love-talk for an enemy agent’s code. Hey, it could happen.
- Take a leisurely stroll through the woods, hand-in-hand. According to modern cinema, this is every axe murderer’s dream scenario. At least promise me you’ll bring pepper spray. Or a taser.
- Meander along back roads without any particular destination in mind. Uh huh. Then your GPS breaks down, your car gets a flat tire, and three days later Search and Rescue workers find you and your sweetie battling it out over who gets to gorge themselves on that lone Tic Tac you discovered in the back of the glove compartment. Few relationships survive this kind of thing.
- Share an ice cream cone on a scorching summer day. Certain people may be a tad possessive over their ice cream cones and turn feral if anyone else tries to take a bite. My husband has the scars to prove it.
- Go for a midnight swim in a lake. Nothing good EVER lives at the bottom of a lake. Don’t you ever go to the movies?
- Go singing/dancing in the rain. Concerned onlookers will likely call 911, and police will gently escort you to the psychiatric ward of the nearest hospital.
- Walk barefoot in the park. Um…not everybody cleans up after their dogs when they walk them, you know.
- Kidnap your special someone from work. A coworker gets the wrong idea, makes a call, and WHAMO!—a SWAT team tackles you in the parking lot.
- Sign up for a sculpting class together. Sure it was romantic in Ghost. But it didn’t turn out so well in Naked Gun, did it? And who’s going to clean up the mess, I ask you? Who?
I hope these examples have given you reason to think twice before diving willy-nilly into something reckless like a moonlit picnic or any other hazardous activities with your special someone. Take my advice: just stay in, curl up on the couch together, and read a good book. Like, say…The Bargain, a delightful contemporary romance featuring a socially-awkward tomboy and the reformed ladies’ man she just might sweep off his feet. No, really, it’s delightful. My mother said so.
And in the meantime…let’s all be very careful out there.